chaoticlootral | WEEK 5

[Just letting Taako do the talking? But reaching down to ruffle Max's hair, and presenting him with a McFlurry.]

Got you your favorite, buddy.

[WHY ALWAYS WITH THE HAIR RUFFLING?? angrily flails]

-- A, how the fuck would you know what my favorite is, and b, this does not count as payment for the weed.

[because he ... does... grab it. look. a bribe is different from a whole mission centered around giving him something he didn't ask for?

but also, he's looking to make sure it's not bukkake with hair this time]

Think it counts as least partial payment, my man.

[Patting him on the head too, just because it's funny. Then wiping his hand off on his pants.]

It's M&M. And yeah, worth a discount I think, right?

[It's a nice normal McFlurry.]

[first of all: his hair is nice and fluffy :/ hdu

second of all. yea thats fair m&m is the best]

Didn't you just come into money? I don't inflate the price of weed, be grateful for that much.

Me? No, I donated it to your shitty hint. If you're talking about Magnus' cash from dick-slaying, then that's not weed money.

[Digging in his pocket, pulling out whatever coins he's got.]

Anyway, we didn't just come here to haggle for weed. Had a few questions. Or, if it makes you happy, I can fuss at you again. Know you enjoyed that for some reason reason.

Yep. First question - which items this week are bombs?

"Fuss" is a really cutesy way to put you losing your shit at me.

[but fine, he'll answer questions. and also exchange weed for money, as one does]

The only bombs this week are the ones you can buy at Bloodbath and Beyond.

It was, uh, a very stressful situation. Besides, it worked, didn't it? Fussing always get me a discount at Fantasy Macy's, and this worked the same way: you got so scared you peed a little info.

[Gross? And hanging over the money.]

Three weeds please.

Thanks!

[And letting Taako buy his weeds.]

What are the guys in charge judging us on?

I didn't tell you jack shit I hadn't already told other people.

[there's that weed exchange. then he turns to Magnus and just shrugs]

A lot of stuff. You could just ask the Composer that yourself, you know that, right?

You think I listen when people aren't talking directly at me? Thought you knew everything about us.

[Prodding Max. Hello, he needs a light.]

Yes, but we're asking you. So? Your opinions? We know you have them, we've seen some of your little diary entries.

That's also gonna interfere with our running gag of sending them envelopes full of gross sauces every week. Come on, give us the inside scoop. Give us a little gossip. What's up with the Composer and Conductor, then? Buds? Enemies? Kind of a will they or won't they vibe?

[give him a SECOND he'll give you the matches!!! rude binches. also he's angrily muttering to himself as he does so:] Fucking assholes stealing my stupid reports, the fuck am I writing them for if the jackasses don't read it?

[but anyway. once he gives them the matches, he'll say it out loud, like a normal person:]

Yeah, I meant you can literally ask to talk to them face to face, but sure, I'll "gossip". But first: it's definitely not will they/won't they. NOTP this in your weird supposedly grown ass adult brains. They're... [he makes a vague hand motion, rolling his wrist] Not in disagreement over most shit, I'd say. But I wouldn't call them close friends either.

Firstly, would love to meet them, big fan, I have a recipe I'd like to share.

[Lighting up!!!!! Hell yeah.]

Secondly, in regards to controlling my shipping opinions: [putting a hand over his mouth and making a fart noise with it.] to that. Third, would you be sad if we got murdered? I just wanna know. I feel like we've made a connection here. You'd totally miss us, right?

We could have just talked to them this whole time? Or is this one of those, I can only give you the hint at 6 PM kinda deals. Yeah, we'll talk to them. But keep this intel coming. How fond would you say each of them is of our loveable horseshit? With one being, a little fond, and ten being captivated by our adorable antics?

Yeah, just write it down officially and I'll hand it over to them.

[he does not expand on when and how this started being a thing, because of course he doesn't?]

Jesus christ, okay, important: there is not a single person that would make me sad if they were erased, least of all the two of you. [>:/!!!!]

And, uh... Conductor probably thinks you guys are a little funny? The Composer is pretty much all X's.

[hey. max. that's meta. what does it mean.]

Wrong, you're totally enchanted by our lovable horseshit. You'd listen to at least 69 episodes of us farting around doing adventures.

[Already on it, pulling out the glitter pens and scribbling "do you like us? yes ▢ no ▢ meet us behind the bleachers xoxo taako and magnus" on an old McDonald's napkin.]

X's? That's meta. What the fuck does that mean, homie?

Max, there's no point to answering our questions if you're going to lie about things.

[Letting Taako do his thing!]

I would sell the both of you for a corn chip.

[he's just gonna... stare at the napkin but pocket it. this is as official as it gets with these two and he knows it]

You can ask them all about it when you meet them. I'm not in their fucking head, I don't know the intricate details of how they feel about particular Players.

We're irresistible to precocious children, ask anyone.

[God. So pissed he doesn't know what the FUCKING X'S ARE.]

Mm, fine, whatever, whatever. Hold out on us.

Hey, one last question for the road, little buddy. [Patting him on his head.] What do you have to do to count as an accomplice?

Irresistible like fucking chickenpox, sure.

[WHY ALWAYS WITH THE TOUCHING!!! squinting upwards angrily]

Be in the fucking room, honestly. [but, no, more seriously:] You have to help with something. Clean-up, preparation, hiding fucking knives everywhere [rip week 3], luring someone out, anything pretty much goes. [he hesitates for exactly one second before giving in on a question he will probably regret:] Why, you got an erasure planned out?

Nope!

[Winking, then blowing him a kiss.]

But seriously, no, not really. Just running some numbers, planning some possibilities.

Not yet, at least. But good to know, good to know. Thanks for talking to us, Max.

[Patting him on the back. Putting a napkin with Kick Me written on it on there.]

What, are you guys planning a Reaper hunt too?

[hey he's ten he knows the whole patting thing!!!! he even takes his hoodie off to grab the thing because I fully assume Magnus put it in the exact spot a normal person can't reach in the middle of their back, showing off his lovely yellow t-shirt. fun fact! it looks really, really old. and also, like someone should teach this child how to remove blood from clothing because that's very stained.

anyway he puts his hoodie back on to flip them both off]

Seriously, I hate you both.

Uh-- [Gross, Max?] Wait! Not done yet.

What's up the head voices? The sword dude had one. Some sort of old fashioned ghost voices, right? Haunting whispers of the dead? Also, you know you can wash things in a McDonald's sink, right?

Edited 2018-04-10 04:59 (UTC)

Leave off him, Taako. [Like he wasn't just bullying him.] Some of us like blood on our clothes. It's manly.

But yeah, I'm hearing them now. Very affirming voices. You got a tip?

[shoving his hands deeper in his hoodie, looking weirdly... defensive]

Yeah. Manly, like he said. Shirt stays like it is.

[okay, weird host. anyway.]

Hmmmm. Sounds like you've gotten a meme.

[When Magnus tells him to leave off, dropping it like a slightly guilty dog who's been caught stealing. Listen, it's not his fault he doesn't experience emotions like normal people, and has trouble picking up obvious Tragic Backstory cues.]

Like, uh, one of those engravings of cats saying humorous misspelled things? Or, you know, a more updated meme reference. Loss dot oil painting. [Fantasy Memes.]

Ye Old Distracted Boyfriend...? Nah, that's nothing.

[Almost like their references to things that exist in their fantasy world are just bullshit.]

Mind giving just a little more info?

Is it so much to ask that your world make a tiny bit of sense?

[ oil painting a meme kills him ]

In the psychological sense. Shared ideas that are spread through the general consciousness, that kind of bullshit? Someone's trying to get a message through.

Just wait until we get started about elevators, homie.

[dont you just love the idea of the Distracted Boyfriend Meme and the girlfriend is an elf and that’s the only difference though.]

Sooooooo. It’s the same mumbo jumbo as the Reaper Creeper, but projected directly into brains?

Yeah, I mean, no offense, Max, but I'm not a total dingdong, I'd figured that out at trial. Who's sending them, though?

[shrugs]

What, the individuals? Fuck if I know. I'm not in direct contact with your erased pals. I've got my hands full already.

Helpful.

[I mean. He has an idea.]

Well, I think that’s pretty much everything. Unless you want to open up about your past a little, jam with the crew. I mean, me and my boy here are getting kinda good at it, lot of sad teens around these parts.

Mmm.

[Okay, that helps.]

Yeah, thanks for helping us, Max.

[Bending down and giving him the tiniest, sweetest kiss on top of his little head.]

Absolutely not in a million goddamn years.

[he doesn't get to reject Taako more than that before he is Personally Assaulted Forever

oh... my ... god??? he literally looks livid, trying to reach up to hit magnus higher than his knee since that is All He Can Get]

What the hell! What are you even! What is wrong with you! I will murder you, old man!!!!

WEEK 5 - MONDAY

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